


I Need You Like A Heart Needs A Beat (But It's Nothing New)

by kissesfromkrug



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Late Night Conversations, Lots of tears, Multi, Polyamory, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-30 19:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12115146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissesfromkrug/pseuds/kissesfromkrug
Summary: Taylor looks up to see Jordan standing in the bedroom doorway. His silhouette blocks the dim light from the hallway, the glow like an angel's halo surrounding his soft edges."We can't."





	I Need You Like A Heart Needs A Beat (But It's Nothing New)

**Author's Note:**

> Not for profit, fictional; feel free to point out any typos. :)
> 
> Title borrowed from "Apologize" by Timbaland.
> 
> I tried to make this as sad as possible? For some reason? I'm so sorry.
> 
> I started this at 1 am, so...I kind of murdered the use of dashes.
> 
> Please tell me if there's anything weird or some stupid typo. I hate reading through published stuff and seeing a bajillion things that this decided to correct for me. :/

Taylor looks down at the body curled up against his chest, heat radiating from it with arms tightly looped around his waist. Ryan's head is resting right on his breastbone, so he leans down and presses a kiss to his dark hair. There's a shuffling sound, and Taylor looks up to see Jordan standing in the bedroom doorway. His silhouette blocks the dim light from the hallway, the glow like an angel's halo surrounding his soft edges.

"We can't." The two words are spoken softly, but feel like a blow to the chest.

"Why?" Taylor asks, Jordan climbing into bed with them and leaning his head on his crooked arm.

He tells Taylor, "Look at him." Taylor does; has been looking at Ryan for years and admiring all the work that he's put in to be in tip top shape. "He's not-"

"Old enough? Mature enough? Experienced enough?" Taylor challenges, almost forgetting to keep his voice down. "He's only a year younger, and he was more mature at 18 than I'll be in 20 years, so-"

"In my league," Jordan interrupts, half sad, half bitter. "And exactly what you said. He's so many things that I just - can never be. And you. We can never live up to that."

"We don't have to live up to anything," Taylor says, kissing Ryan's head again and holding him tighter with a hand on the small of his back. Ryan squirms a bit and burrows his face in Taylor's neck, letting out a soft sigh. "We don't have to be totally equal to work things out. I could be a poor college kid and you could be some fancy businessman and he could be in the NHL or whatever and I think we'd still love each other the same."

"No, Hallsy, we're just - not worth his time. He never really - I don't think he ever really liked the idea of sharing you with me, me with you. He deserves something more like - more equal, where someone - one person - has all their attention is on him. He could find someone within five seconds of trying, and I - I think the only reason he hasn't left is 'cause he doesn't want to break any hearts."

Taylor stares at him in the dark for a long minute, feeling Ryan's heart beat out of sync with his own. He tries to steady his breathing, and Ryan shivers and instinctively presses his body closer. "He's got twice everything," Taylor says. "Twice the love, twice the attention, twice the-"

"No, Hallsy, he doesn't," Jordan interrupts. "There are three people in the relationship, but he's only getting half of everything from each person."

"He deserves twice as much, why can't we give him that?" Taylor asks firmly. "Why can't you give him that?"

"Relationships are about equality in treatment of the other person," Jordan says. "A true loving relationship doesn't exist where you give someone everything and they hit you and call you names whenever they want."

"I don't see your point. How is that relevant?"

"He has so much love that he doesn't know what to do with it," Jordan says, scooting a few inches closer. "We can't give him the proper return. We're essentially hitting him with lack of love."

"So we should dump him 'cause he's too good for us and has a huge heart?" Taylor scoffs in disbelief, sliding a foot between Ryan's on the end of the bed. "Fucking fantastic idea."

"No."

"No? Care to elaborate on how I misunderstood every single fucking word you just said?"

"He needs a _real_ relationship," Jordan says, keeping his cool in the face of Taylor's anger and frustration layered over the underlying hurt.

"We're not real?" Taylor asks with wide, surprised eyes. "This love isn't real? None of this - it didn't mean anything?"

"No, we - we can't give him that."

"We don't have to give it," Taylor says. "We can-"

"Then how does love work, _Taylor_? Care to elaborate?" Taylor is silent, mouth forming over words that aren't there, and Jordan frowns deeply. "We can't - this isn't _normal_ , what we're doing; this isn't supposed to work, it never has, probably never will - with anybody."

"'This' as in..." Taylor says, trailing off and raising his eyebrows. One of Ryan's hands clenches at the back of his shirt, and Taylor's heart skips a beat as he makes a noise of utmost happiness and pleasure. Good thing he's not awake to hear this.

"Three," Jordan breathes out on a sigh. "You can't have a healthy relationship of three, it just - I looked a lot into it when we first tried this, and-"

"You said it'd work," Taylor says. "You told me - told _us_  that we could do it."

"'Probably', I said. Not definitely. There was never really...a chance for this to turn out okay."

Taylor stares at him with an open mouth, Ryan making the sweetest snuffling noises against his gray shirt. He almost can't believe the words coming out of Jordan's mouth. "Are you fucking with me right now?" He asks, carefully extracting his arms from around Ryan. Ryan whimpers, still asleep, and clutches at Taylor, but he grits his teeth and gently pries Ryan off of him.

"No, I-"

"Jordan, no, just - shut up," Taylor interrupts, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Ryan shudders as Taylor steps away from the bed, arms wrapping around himself to make up for the sudden lack of warmth. "You don't think we can do this with him, then I can't do it with you. Fucking hell."

"No, Hallsy, that's not-" Jordan tries, but Taylor's already gone, slamming the bedroom door behind him. His first instinct is to run to the couch, but instead of dramatically flopping down on it like he wants to, he curls up in a ball in the corner of it under the worn blue blanket.

They can't do it? They can't be enough for Ryan? But - he thought they'd always been enough for each other. They always _have_ been enough. What happened?

There's some murmurs from the bedroom, then footsteps, and Taylor hides his face under the blanket. He doesn't want to talk - doesn't even want to _think_ about this. Jordan just - fuck Jordan, he doesn't know what he's talking about it.

"Hallsy?" Ryan calls out softly, shuffling his feet in the dark as Taylor hesitantly pokes his head over the back of the couch. "Why did you leave?" He comes around to where Taylor is awkwardly folded up under the blanket, sitting as close as humanly possible.

"Jordan...said some shitty things," Taylor says, and Ryan tugs at the corner of the blanket. Taylor lets him under it after a several seconds of silence, the two pressed together as Ryan's head rests in the curve of Taylor's shoulder.

"Like what?" There's a crash, then the sound of Jordan swearing. "He seems pretty upset too."

"You don't say?" Taylor says bitterly, clearly hearing Jordan yell,

"Fuck this shit!"

"What happened?" Ryan asks, his raspy voice soothing as Taylor shifts onto his back, and Ryan tucks himself into the space between Taylor and the back of the couch. They bought this giant thing for a reason. "You can tell me anything. You know that." He rubs a comforting hand over Taylor's stomach, and Taylor suddenly remembers his tears that have yet to fall.

He remembers Jordan's words, calmly spoken and clearly thought out beforehand. He knows - Jordan is right, he knows, just. It's hard. It's so fucking hard. He doesn't want Jordan to be right, but-

"We can't," he says shakily. "We can't do this."

"Why not?" Of course Ryan knows what he's talking about. He always knows what's wrong, always is the peacemaker. He's never taken something badly if it's not related to hockey, but Taylor - Taylor isn't sure how Ryan will take this.

Hell, Taylor's not sure _Taylor_ can take this.

He squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face away from Ryan, who lightly kisses his cheek. He's surrounded by softness - the couch, the blanket, Ryan's skin, his voice, his overwhelming love - but that's just it. It's overwhelming.

"I can't...you don't deserve me. You deserve someone who can love you and just you, and Ebby - Jordan and I - we can't do that." Ryan's hand abruptly stops moving, nails digging into Taylor's shirt the slightest amount.

"Did he say that?" Ryan asks softly, leaning in to press kisses along Taylor's jawline. "That neither of you can love me the way I deserve?" Taylor doesn't reply, doesn't even move save for the slightest quiver of his lower lip. "Bullshit. This is everything I've ever wanted; there's nothing more I could ever want, no one I would ever want to be with more than you - you two. Absolutely _nobody_."

"Tell that to Jordan," Taylor chokes out. Ryan throws a leg over Taylor's waist and an arm across his upper chest, nose pressed to Taylor's cheek.

"Maybe I will," he murmurs softly. "Or maybe I'll just lay here with you forever."

It's just like the first time Ryan admitted he loved them. He was laying on Taylor's bed, pressed close between Taylor and Jordan, talking about his family and how he wished he'd someday get a chance to fix everything. Taylor had turned to him, and the first thing out of Ryan's mouth was "I love you."

"For real?" Taylor breathed, fingers moving up to brush a lock of hair away from Ryan's eyes. He'd never really allowed himself to think about a moment like this, the thought of all three of them together. "You love me?"

"I really, really do." Ryan leaned in for a kiss, and Jordan made a shocked noise from his other side. "I love you too, Ebby, don't worry," Ryan said with a smile once he pulled back, rolling over and kissing Jordan's pout. "I kind of...always have."

"Oh my god," Taylor said softly, staring at the ceiling blissfully and reaching down to lace his fingers with Ryan's. "Holy shit."

"I wanna do this," Jordan said, and Ryan laughed.

"Like we haven't been doing this for over a month?"

"Yeah, but now we know for sure that it's a real deal." Taylor kissed Ryan's cheek, and Ryan smiled as bright as the sun.

"Oh god, we're really doing this, holy shit, holy-"

"You're such a dork, Hallsy," Ryan said, happier than they've ever seen him probably ever. "We've _been_ doing this, and we always _will_ be doing it."

Now, though, there are no smiles like stars. Only tears glisten in his eyes, shining just the same, but for the entirely opposite reasons.

"You can't," Taylor says, tears finally sliding down his cheeks. "You can't stay with us, you have to find someone better, someone who-"

"I told you, there isn't anyone better for me, there's no one else I want," Ryan interrupts, his hand sliding up to cup Taylor's jaw, hardly even pressing on it. His touch is so delicate, as if Taylor will break if he makes a wrong move, holds him too tightly or roughly. It only makes the tears come faster.

"Ryan."

"Taylor, I'm not leaving either of you, not now, not ever," Ryan insists, finally getting Taylor to look at him. "I love you. I'll do anything for you." They both wince at the sound of Jordan's strangled shout, the knowledge of Jordan's anger finally showing itself slowly piercing Taylor's heart. He did that.

Taylor remembers the first time he cried in front of Ryan and Jordan, when he'd hurt his knee and had to miss yet another series of games. He'd nearly screamed in frustration as Jordan hugged him tight, Ryan plastered to his back with arms around his waist. He'd felt enveloped, so plainly loved and cared for that he never ever wanted to let go, never wanted to stop loving them, never wanted anyone or anything else.

Ryan never looks away from Taylor's face.

"You have to go," Taylor says, barely holding himself together as his voice wobbles uncontrollably. "It would never have - never worked anyway. It's n-not gonna work, it hasn't for anyone, it won't - it won't-"

"Stop talking," Ryan breathes, kissing him. "Just - shut up. Don't ever say that again, that's not true." Taylor thinks about Ryan's lips as they press to his again, how soft and warm they've always been, how they're slick like they usually are after kissing, and-

Taylor pulls back to look at Ryan, who has somehow held himself together while tears steadily make tracks down his still-sleepy face. There's a faint red line from where his face was pressed to the pillow, and Taylor reaches up to trace it with two fingertips. It reminds him of when Taylor got cut, and Ryan kissed his stitches every night before they went to bed.

"Just kiss me," Ryan pleads, and Taylor does, letting Ryan kiss all the breath, the inner struggling, the pure sorrow - he lets Ryan kiss it all away, until the only things that remain are their warm bodies and wet lips. Ryan's hands scramble for purchase on a lost cause as he straddles Taylor, hands curling over his face, his shoulders, moving down his chest, up his sides; anywhere he can touch, he does.

"We can do this," Ryan says, kissing Taylor's forehead lightly and leaving his lips there. "We can make it work."

"I - I can't," Taylor admits, his grip on Ryan's waist tightening. "I wish I could, but I don't...I can't do this, I don't know how."

"We can learn, babe, I know we can, it can't be-" Ryan stops as Jordan begins to sob audibly, the awful sound echoing off the tile walls in the bathroom. Taylor hates himself even more for being the reason for it. "We _can_. I'd do anything for you two, you know that."

Taylor just shakes his head, staring up at Ryan with a look of utter defeat. His next words are barely a whisper. "I can't." I.

Ryan's pleading face crumbles into one of despair. "You can't just give up," he says in disbelief, voice shaking as he chastely kisses along Taylor's neck. "This can't just be it. You're not gonna give up just like that...are you?"

No. He can't give up now, he's Taylor Hall. He _doesn't_ give up, especially when it involves Ryan or Jordan.

Not until now.

"I can't do it," Taylor repeats, louder this time, and Ryan pulls back. "I love you so fucking much, I really do - I love you, but I-"

"Okay." Ryan nods, as if trying to confirm it with himself. Taylor shuts his mouth and swallows a humiliating whimper, resisting the urge to run his thumb along Ryan's cheekbone and bring him into another kiss. "Okay. You can't do it. You're giving up. Okay." He climbs off Taylor, the blanket no longer feeling comforting as he pads away, trying to muffle his sniffles. "Okay."

Taylor hears a door open and close, and Jordan's sobs are suddenly muted as a soft voice attempts to soothe him. He doesn't move, listening to Jordan slowly calm down. He's never heard Jordan get angry nor cry - most definitely not both at the same time - and he feels his heart crack. It's his fault. _His_.

"No!" Jordan yells suddenly, and Taylor jumps. "No! We can't!" Ryan says something else quietly, but it's no use. "Get out. Nuge, please, just...go."

Taylor folds himself up in the blankets again, the mere sound of Ryan crying in the hallway making his face flush even more with horrible shame, he's - he feels fucking  _awful_. He's made two people cry in one night; in one hour. That's gotta be a record for him - besides the time he surprised his family one Christmas and his mother and aunts cried from joy because they hadn't seen him in months. Which was weird, since he always came home for the holidays.

It's not the same. Nothing ever has or ever will compare to this.

Ryan goes into the bedroom and quietly shuts the door, effectively cutting off the sounds. Jordan still makes a noise every few minutes, curled up in the tub and crying into a towel. Taylor buries his head under the blanket and tries not to think about what the morning will bring.


End file.
